


The Sum of Little Choices

by Talik_Sanis



Series: Miraculous Crackfics [5]
Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Bad Parent Gabriel Agreste, Bad Parent Tomoe Tsurugi, Bisexual Female Character, Bisexual Kagami Tsurugi, Crack, Don't Take No for an Answer, F/F, F/M, First Dates, Good Parent Tom Dupain, Humor, I am the captain of my soul, I am the master of my fate, Ice Cream, Implied Sexual Content, It's Lila, Lila Rossi Dies (Eventually), Minor Character Death, Not Serious, Oblivious Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir, Polyamory, Pre-Poly, So No One Cares, The Ice Cream Cone is a Metaphor, Thirsty Kagami Tsurugi, Thirsty Marinette Dupain-Cheng, Threats of Violence, Threesome - F/F/M, With Several Meanings, Your Ice Cream Cone is the Ice Cream Cone That Will Pierce the Heavens!, lots of crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2020-08-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:21:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24869803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Talik_Sanis/pseuds/Talik_Sanis
Summary: Kagami is not satisfied with the selection at Andre's Ice Cream stand. She decides to make her own choices because she will be darned if she lets him ruin an otherwise perfect date with Adrien and Marinette. Unfortunately, fate itself seems to be against her.No matter. She'll just have to steamroll Chloe, Luka, a pair of bad parents, that witch, Lila, and, most challenging of all, Adrien's obliviousness to get her way.She is going to eat both the ice cream and the cone, and she's not thinking about the dessert.
Relationships: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Kagami Tsurugi, Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug/Kagami Tsurugi, Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug/Kagami Tsurugi
Series: Miraculous Crackfics [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1755580
Comments: 149
Kudos: 354





	1. Andre Learns Not To Serve His Customers Orange and Toothpaste Ice Cream

For Andre “The Ice Cream Man” Glacier, all relationships were a pleasure to behold. Aged couples who showed off pictures of their grandchildren while picking out old, familiar flavours, long enjoyed. Newly-weds, sampling something comfortable made fresh and exciting again because those same varieties of ice cream fit into a wondrously novel new cone.

But, oh! There was nothing in this world that brought him more joy than seeing budding romance, and capping it off with a flourish of his ice cream scoop, blessing couples with a combination suited just for them.

Of course, that also meant that there were disappointments, and ice cream was all too often a balm to a bruised or broken heart as much as it was a sacrament for sweethearts.

Today was one of those “all too often” times, it seemed.

Two lovely children who had seen him in months past, dancing around each other, he felt, were standing before him again: Marinette Dupain-Cheng, whom he remembered because there was just something magical about her that matched the mystical power of his ice cream, and the world-renowned teenage model Adrien Agreste.

So many broken hearts over that boy. So many schoolgirls who had never met him, hoping to get a green and yellow-topped cone only to leave disappointed.

And schoolboys, too, particularly that Wayhem lad who kept coming back to the cart, time and time again, hoping for a different cone and being disappointed each week. It was actually one of the reasons that Andre had decided to start moving his cart to a new location each day.

Not that any of that was _Adrien's_ fault, by any means - teenagers had celebrity crushes; and celebrities had stalkers - but still sad.

Today, though, the broken heart might be _something_ of his fault.

Marinette's doll-blue eyes focused on one tub and then the next and the next: Orange, Blackberry, and Peppermint.

Poor girl. Too much was on her shoulders, but the choice had to be made, and both the other girl, Kagami, he believed, and Adrien had put the responsibility on her.

One of the two girls was going to be leaving with sweetheart ice cream and the other with heart-break ice cream, he felt.

Because, really, Orange, Blackberry, _and_ Peppermint. That just wouldn't work together.

Then, the school girl in black, white, and plaid interjected.

“Actually Marinette, I'm suddenly feeling slightly tired,” Kagami said while pointing off towards a park that adjoined the area in which Andre had set up his cart today, drawing Marinette from her apparent fretting, fraught musings over ice cream flavours. “Would you and Adrien be so kind as to check to see if there is a shaded bench there. I would like to get out of the sun.”

“Sure, Kagami,” Adrien offered with a nod. “Will you handle the ice cream?”

“Just scout the park and then you can come back,” she replied brusquely. “I wish to review the many interesting flavours that are on offer here, as I have never been to Andre's cart before.”

“Ah, if you're sure, Kagami,” Marinette said with a slow, uncomprehending look back and forth between the fencer and the model. “Wouldn't you rather I get the ice cream while you and Adrien head off to find a seat? I can bring it to you.”

“No, no, Marinette,” Kagami assured with a wave. “You are our friend, and it is only right that you should spend time alone with Adrien in the same way that all three of us have spent time together today.”

“Okay,” she mumbled dubiously, blushing strawberry-ice-cream pink when Adrien grabbed her by the hand and tugged her towards the park.

“Come on, Mari! Let's go find a seat,” Adrien enthused, followed by a stuttering Marinette, whose eyes were locked firmly on their joined hands.

“They are beautiful, are they not?” Kagami said once the pair had crossed the street and begun to penetrate into the park.

"Quite a lovely couple, it's true. But where, I ask, does that leave you?" Andre questioned. Such an incredibly self-sacrificial girl, giving up on the boy she loved ... and the girl, if his sixth-sense for such things was correct.

"It would be a terrible shame if Parisian health inspectors were to find that you engage in unsanitary practices, would it not?"

_What? The very idea! Ridiculous and a non-sequitur._

"Why, my little dear,” Andre began as gently as he could, suppressing the natural indignation. After all, the poor girl had just gotten her heart broken... twice. “Andre runs a clean cart, it's clear."

Turning in a sudden jerk that had Andre's heart clench in shock, she whirled on him. Her somehow electric brown eyes gleamed, cold and threatening, pinning him in place before her.

They were the eyes of a predator.

“Hm,” she grumbled as she put a hand to the edge of his cart and leaned in. “If someone were to fall ill after consuming your product, particularly after taking instagram shots with Adrien Agreste of all people, the negative press alone would be enough to shut you down.”

Tugging at his bursting collar as sweat that was in no way related to the heat of the day began to collect in the myriad folds of his flabby flesh did nothing to alleviate the choking sensation that assailed him. Andre only just managed to maintain a smile.

“Whyever would one want to complain? Not enjoying sweethearts' ice cream is simply insane.”

Kagami growled at him, jerking forward to grab him by the front of his shirt and tug him down to her level, just above the spread of ice cream. Under her now-heated, unflinching glare, he melted, like a scoop of ice cream on steaming black asphalt in the midst of a heatwave, into a blubbering (and blubbery) mess.

"Listen you,” she said in a cool, detached rumble. “I just spent ten minutes _frolicking_ in a ball pit with a supermodel and a goddess after which he serenaded us while drooling over the sight of her with her hair down. I am _this_ close!" The point was emphasized when she squeezed her thumb and forefinger together in front of his face, leaving only a millimetre between them, and then jabbed a finger into his nose.

"And you are _not_ going to fuck it up for me with peppermint and orange ice cream, magic or not! Or I'll skewer you through with my bokken and spit-roast you over a campfire. You understand?"

“Yes, ma'am,” Andre whimpered, though he didn't, not even daring to try to tug himself free. From trembling hands, his ice cream scoop tumbled to the ground.

“Good,” Kagami added icily before pointing down to his lost scoop, which was now attracting ants. “And don't use that ice cream scoop.”

“No, ma'am.” He shook his head frantically.

While he busied himself with his cart, keeping his eyes to his work so as not to attract the... monster's wrath, he pondered possible ice cream replacements. That was his job, and that was safe... usually. For her part, the daemon girl simply reclined against the wrought fencing to the side of his cart and withdrew a cell phone which she reviewed with studious care.

Mercifully, the other two _angelic_ children returned only about a minute later, Adrien waving to the pair excitedly.

“Hey, Kagami! Mari found a really great spot in front of a flower bed,” the model shouted from across the street, the girl blushing and trembling when he said 'Mari.' It grew worse when he stroked her shoulder approvingly.

“It's out-of-the-way and has some great shade,” he finished as he reached the cart.

“Did you nice scream?” Marinette bumbled and then focused wholly on the ice cream cart. “I-I mean get nice- Ice! Cream- that is?”

“Yes, Marinette, Andre was just about to serve us our flavours,” Kagami said as she ushered the two forward. They moved to stand in-front of Andre and Kagami receded, and while the distance between them, and the barrier created by the other two children, offered Andre momentary relief, to his abject horror, he found that, now, her new position just allowed Kagami to glower at him without the possibility of them knowing what she was doing.

“Ah, yes,” he fumbled. “Orange and blackberry, an unusual pair-”

Kagami cleared her throat... which she began to drag her forefinger over under the pretense of scratching an itch.

“But- but not one that I think... is soon to err!” he finished in a scream, gabbing a waffle cone and smashing two ugly lumps of blackberry and orange ice cream into it.

“Next is peppe-”

Kagami smiled.

Smiled like a great white shark, all jagged teeth.

“-lime,” Andre corrected while sniveling, tossing another scoop to the ground, and plunging a new one into the bucket of lime ice cream. “Because that's... just sublime.”

Marinette and Adrien looked at the stumbling, twitching Andre, who was now struggling to plop the lime ice cream into the waffle cone, as if they were worried that he had lost his mind.

For her part, Kagami just rolled her hand in a gesture to for him to 'keep going.'

“Sublime just like this. ... unique combination of ice cream... that shouldn't split up because it works... best?”

Kagami nodded, head bobbing up and down like a languid drinking bird on a desktop, wooden and mechanical.

“Don't you usually rhyme your ice cream, Andre?” Adrien asked in that gentle way of his with a slightly-disappointed droop of his head. Much to the benefit of Andre's strained heart, it had the little devil girl looking away from him for a second to smile at the blonde, clearly smitten.

But then, after that strangely sweet moment, she turned on him again, and her narrowed eyes spoke to him.

 _Rhyme for him, fat man_.

“Rhyme is fine for normal couples,” Andre laughed hysterically while holding out the ice cream cone and pleading mentally for _someone_ to take it from him, “but something special when- when one foresees a... throuple?”

Rhyming couple and throuple? Chef's kiss.

“What's a throuple?” Adrien asked with his head quirked.

Marinette was now no longer casting glances at the various forms of ice cream and was, instead, jerking her eyes between a radically smug Kagami and the young blonde model who blinked with a little confused kitten expression on his face.

“It doesn't matter, Adrien,” Kagami soothed. “You shouldn't question the magic of Andre's ice cream, right?”

“I guess,” the boy offered with a shrug before taking the mixture of orange, green, and purplish ice cream from Andre's hands and plopping down a twenty euro note, which was far more than he had to pay, but Andre wasn't going to tell him that.

He was probably going to retire after today, so he needed the extra money.

Mopping his brow and slumping against the railing behind him, he watched as Kagami took Marinette by the hand and extended the free one to Adrien. A gentle hum of pleasure rumbled in the model's throat, sounding suspiciously like a purr, as he brought the ice cream to his mouth, laving his tongue across all three scoops to collect their combined flavour.

Decadent melting cream washed over his lips, which came away stinging and multicoloured with purple and yellow hues, making them appear sinfully bruised.

Though Adrien had made a little sticky mess of himself, both girls were the ones who licked their lips almost simultaneously, clearly interested in sampling ... something sweet.

Hand in hand, with Kagami in the middle, the triad walked off towards the park in the distance, Adrien ambling along happily, his expression oblivious, Kagami walking beside him with confident strides, and Marinette tripping over her own feet as she watched the boy mouth his ice cream cone.

Unconcerned regarding the possibility of cross-contamination of ice cream, Andre dipped his new scoop into two other buckets, mingling the remaining lime with the other flavours, then tested the combination absently.

Orange, lime, and blackberry.

Oh! That was actually quite nice...


	2. Chloe Learns the Dangers of Homophobia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chloe is the next less-than-wise individual to attempt to disrupt a triad date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beware the homophobic slurs bandied about by everyone's "favourite" heiress in this chapter... There is no Chloe sugar to be found.

The owners of the little bistro, Lemeac, prided themselves on customer service and atmosphere, striving to make their patrons feel as if they were stepping into their own homes for a meal surrounded by family. An open ambience, carefully balanced decor that straddled the line between folksy and classy, and the bright sunlight that streamed in through the wide windows that looked out on a bustling Parisian street corner all contributed to the meticulously-crafted experience that they tried to offer to their clients.

A mingling of classic French and Asian cuisines had an effusion of mouth-watering odours in the air at all times, but above that, there was the scent of their homey pastry that was the basis for a classic American-style apple pie that was a house specialty.

Safe. Familiar. Warm.

“Ridiculous! Utterly ridiculous!”

This place was a hideous house of horrors!

With a dismissive flick of her Buccellati bracelet-adorned wrist, Chloe Bourgeois sent the abject peasant waiter who had offered her water from a _tap_ scuttling away. As if she would accept anything less than BLING, which was topped, like a proper beverage, with a cork rather than some silly juvenile screw cap! Of course, even a capped bottle would have been better than a surely filth-encrusted glass from this place.

"And don't come back unless you want me to have my daddy shut this little rat-hole down!"

As he scurried off to the kitchen of the little dive that Sabrina has asked to enter into so that she could get lunch, the man sucked into himself under the heat of Chloe's parting threat.

And it really was a pathetic place. The property value probably quadrupled just because she had _graced_ it with her presence.

What was taking Sabrina so long in that bathroom?

She would have gone to look for her good friend, who was blessed to be seen with Chloe, of course, but for the fact that she would probably get leprosy, or dysentery, or ... syphilis or something from the bathrooms in this place.

Gaggles of smiling couples and friends sat around her, ignoring her because, of course, they had to. If they compared their lives, and their fashion, to her, they would no doubt start suffering from depression.

Goddesses had that effect on mere mortals, she preened.

To put some distance between herself and them (as if they could be any _further_ from her stunning self), she retired to a corner where she pulled out her gem-studded cell phone case and began to look for some new jewellery to buy in order to distract herself from this ... place.

Of course, cell phone reception was poor here too for some reason.

That did it. It was about time for her to depart this pit, Sabrina or no Sabrina.

At least, that was what she thought until she looked up from her cell phone.

Walking in through the door was her Adrikins, clearly lost because of the incompetence of his bodyguard if he was coming to a place like this.

She nearly leapt into his arms with a squeal, but stopped in her tracks when he shifted to hold the door open for the two girls who were following him: Dupain-Cheng, the little rat-haired serf, and ... Tsurugi, the ugly masculine tomboy who dared to speak disparagingly to her at the Ladybug movie premier!

_What the hell are these two doing with my Adrikins?_

Whatever it was, he was so focused on them that they didn't seem to notice her, being ushered almost immediately to an open table for three where the same waiter she had dealt with earlier offered them menus.

To keep herself hidden so that she could observe their affairs, she ripped a section of newspaper off a nearby table, earning a frown from the patron there, and sat down to peak out at the trio from behind her cover every-so-often.

The two girls settled down rather ... comfortably close to one another while her Adrikins propped up his menu and began to review the choices. Complimentary bread sticks were provided in short order as a different waiter, a teenage girl with a braid of brown hair, nearly bouncing on her feet in front of the model.

Which had the effect of setting her not-insubstantial boobs bouncing too...

Chloe started to steam and grind her teeth together.

With a none-too-subtle jerk of her hands, the waitress popped the top button of her blouse before leaning over the table and asking her Adrikins “If he had any needs.”

Face twitching, Kagami made a move for the silverware, not even looking at the knife as her fingers curled around it, only to be restrained by Marinette. She gripped the other girl by the wrist with a slow shake of her head that had Tsurugi pout and deflate... though she did keep stroking the knife while _staring_ at the waitress.

“Well, I don't know,” Adrien said, looking up from his menu without seeming to notice what had transpired between the two girls. “I really need my good friends in my life. I don't think I could ever need anything more than that.”

Mari-trash nearly swooned, cupping her chin in one hand and resting her elbow on the table to moon over her Adrikins.

Casting a glance over at the lone girl who was still glowering at her, the waitress trembled and started to back away slowly while fixing the button on her blouse with a shaky hand, the other one held out towards the fencer, palm up, as if to ward her off.

Then she tripped over a table behind her and ended up sprawled on the floor, frantically flailing out to clutch at the tablecloth which dragged the entire assortment of dishes thereon down on her. She was left a sputtering, stained mess of clashing flavours and colours as a mass of crusted lamb chops, mint sauce, and, fortunately for her, _cold_ soup splattered over her entire body.

Kagami seemed to accept that happily, reaching out to reposition Marinette's now slack hand that still lay against her wrist so that she could hold said hand in her own and give it a squeeze.

_What?_

Oh! Oh, that was just too perfect, Chloe thought to herself as she snapped a surreptitious photo with her cell phone.

Mari-trash and that bull-dyke were ... well, not 'in love' because _real_ love was only between a girl and something suitably diamond-encrusted.

This was going to be amazing. Fabulous. _Utterly_ fabulous!

It was merely a matter of biding her time until the opportune moment presented itself, as it did when her Adrikins surveyed the restaurant and caught sight of her, his eyes widening and face going slack in what was clearly a plea for her to come rescue him from the piece of human trash and ... the girl who seemed to _like_ trash who were sitting with him.

“I-I'll be in the bathroom!” he yelped, shaking Marinette out of her stupor with a shocked jerk, and took off towards said bathroom.

Chloe hoped that he didn't get syphilis. That would put a damper on them as the future power couple of Paris.

The newspaper in her hands was sent flying into the air, loose pages scattering and fluttering down to the floor and the frowning man from whom she had borrowed it originally began to collect them while glaring at her.

Good. Peasants belonged on their knees, or, at least, stooped over before her.

Crossing the room with a regal stride, showing off her bling to the awed audience, she made her way to Marinette and, it seemed, her _girl_ friend, both of whom looked up at her when she arrived.

Mari-trash groaned.

“So you finally decided to give up, hm?” Chloe crowed. “I'm proud of you. Really, I am!”

“I thought I told you never to speak to me again,” Tsurugi growled.

The very nerve of her to make such a request, one that Chloe had been more than willing to accede to in light of the fact that some filthy little harpy who had been trying to steal her Adrikins had made it. No. Kagami hadn't deserved the honor of being spoken to by her. Though it seemed that Chloe had overestimated the fencer's sense of taste.

“I just wanted to congratulate you, though!” Chloe exclaimed while pressing a hand to her mouth and waving off the other girl's dismissal with the other. “It's so wonderful that you finally figured out that no man could ever love you, so you went for the next best thing, Dupain-Cheng.”

Regulating her breathing carefully, Marinette clenched her eyes shut.

“'Gami, I think that you should go use the washroom,” she began steadily, releasing a calming breath as she fished an ipod out of her bag. “I'm going to listen to some death metal with the dial turned up to 11. What happens while you're gone is not my fault and I can't be angry about what I don't see, hear, or know.”

The fencer's neck twisted at an odd angle, almost too far to be natural, and though Chloe was about to comment on the ridiculousness of her appearance and shame her for the ugliness of the un-accessorized school uniform that she was wearing, she was cut off when Kagami's hand locked around her wrist, nearly crushing bone as the heiress released a strangled cry. Then, the other girl came a hair's breadth away from dislocating Chloe's shoulder while tugging her over to the bathroom, the sound of blaring death metal from Marinette's headphones chasing them away.

The sickly smell of cheap, faux-flowery hand-soap and cleaning solution permeated the bathroom. Sabrina was at the sink, nearly ready to leave at _last_ , but with one look at the two girls entering the room, she beat feet without even rinsing the soap off her hands.

So much the better. No one needed to see what Chloe was going to do to...

What the hell was with that ... that stupid toothy smile on Kagami's face? Couldn't this girl be _normal_?

It might have intimidated a mere mortal, but she was Chloe ef'ing Bourgeois, and she wasn't going to let some Japanese upstart displace her from her proper position as Queen Bee.

“Why don't you leave my Adrikins alone and go be disgusting and gay with Marinette somewhere else, you mannish ... sword lesbian?”

The smile grew wider, yet soft.

“Rest assured that I intend to depart with Marinette and Adrien very shortly,” Kagami offered smoothly with a dismissive flick of her hand that made Chloe think of ... herself. “Whereupon we will go be disgustingly, _obscenely_ gay together in ways that you can't even hope to imagine, try as hard as you might while you lay in bed tonight.”

The nerve of the girl had Chloe stamping her feet and snarling as she closed the distance between them. As if she would ever think about Mari-trash that way agai- at all! Not going to happen agai- ever!

“I only want my Adrikins. We're both rich and perfect and unlike you and Marinette, we're going to have a dozen little blonde equally-perfect children,” Chloe insisted while primping her blonde hair to emphasize just how silky and lustrous it was, a proper match for Adrien. Granted, those kids would be carried by a surrogate because pregnancy would ruin her figure and _stretch-marks._ _Eww!_

“Let me explain something to you,” Kagami responded as she leaned back with an imperious sneer. “Adrien _hates_ how you touch him. He _hates_ how you feel like you own him. It is a testament to how truly wonderful and forgiving and innocent he is that he does not also hate _you_. For whatever reason, he actually cares about you. Be aware that that's the only reason that I am letting you walk out of this room.”

“My Adrikins _loves_ me and how I give him all the cuddles he needs,” Chloe sniffed haughtily. “Just wait until I tell my daddy about you dragging me off to the bathroom to threaten me! H-he'll have you deported for – for terrorism!”

Kagami laughed.

Laughed like a hyena, feasting on a carcass, bloody and slavering.

“That might actually be fair,” she granted through the chuckles, ”if you ever touch Adrien in a way that makes him uncomfortable again.”

And with that, as if Chloe's pending tirade of a retort wasn't even worth the air that would be expelled in screaming and screeching it out, Kagami knocked the other girl to the side and stormed out.

Chloe exited the bathroom hot on Kagami's heels, stewing in rage. That revolting little bull-dyke! How dare anyone speak to Chloe Bourgeois in such a dismissive fashion while ignoring her obvious social superiority!

Adrien had apparently finished hiding in the men's bathroom as he was now seated with Marinette, who was removing her headphones, and studying the menu again.

The heiress seethed while looking around for Sabrina, who was nowhere to be found.

And then- Oh joy! Oh rapture!

An akuma.

Its grim purple black skin and ephemeral mystic radiance made it more beautiful than any piece of jewelry that Chloe had in her collection. There could be no finer accessory for her current mood.

The creature flitted in through the wide windows, phasing passed the glass and taking a circuitous path towards Chloe herself. While patrons screamed and cowered in the face of the butterfly that was as deadly in reality as it was innocuous in appearance, Marinette sprung from her seat and nearly bolted for the door, but she paused to look helplessly at Adrien. For his part, he had set the menu down and tensed up, but remained seated.

_Good Adrikins. You just stay right there, and I'll have you out of here in no time. Now come and take me, Hawk-daddy. Go for the jewel-encrusted cell-phone case this time. That'll probably turn me into the most glamorous Akuma yet!_

It would likely have made her the gaudiest akuma yet, which would have been impressive considering Hawkmoth's dubious work with _The Bubbler_ , but for Chloe, that was pretty much the same thing.

As the Akuma flitted by the small family of four seated only a meter in front of Chloe, who was holding her cell phone out in the hopes that the little monster-maker would dart inside of it, the creature ... froze.

Its tiny black-purple body pulsed uncertainly with dark energy and the fluttering of its wings became lethargic and slow, almost as if the creature was being gummed up in sticky amber.

 _Ridiculous! Utterly ridiculous!_ What was up with Hawkmoth, that loser!

With a shudder, the Akuma turned on its axis and pointed away from Chloe towards the other side of the restaurant. For a brief second, she almost screamed in fear and frustration that it might try to target the little sword lesbian who had walked off in that direction, and she jerked around to face the other girl.

Halfway to her table, Kagami stood with her arms folded across her chest.

And those eyes...

Those horrible brown eyes...

They were fixed on the akuma, pinning it in place, all of its potent magical power turning in on itself, rocking its body with shudders. Suddenly, as if being purified centimetre by centimetre, it blanched a terrified, ghostly white, the dark energy that coalesced around its form being blown away by the heat of Kagami's glare.

Then its wings caught on fire, sending it to the ground with a hissing screech, and it shrived up into ash.

“Damn straight,” Kagami spat, pointing at the pile of ash accusatory.

_R-redicu-_

And then those eyes were on her. They consumed her entire world, wiping away all thought and emotion and desire, leaving Chloe an empty husk that had once been a person (though that was kind of debatable as there were legitimate arguments among philosophers as to Chloe's possession of even a scintilla of humanity).

Kagami stalked towards her, customers racing about frantically around her due to the ever-terrifying appearance of an akuma, each and every one giving the Japanese girl a wide berth.

Some things were more terrifying than mystical monsters.

The fencer stopped an inch away from Chloe's face.

“ _Daddy?”_ Chloe whimpered mentally.

At least she would leave the most beautiful corpse the world had ever seen.

Unless Kagami... ate her, or something.

_Please just not while I'm still alive..._

“As for you, Chloe. I should have said this before. You are nothing to me or anyone of any importance. So, you can insult my princess and levy slurs against my kitten for his choices because your opinion is meaningless. But you will _never_ call me 'sword lesbian' again, understand?” she hissed the question, pressing into Chloe's personal space until the heiress nearly bent backwards at ninety degrees in an effort to get away.

“Mmm-hmm,” a tight-lipped Chloe whimpered incoherently.

She had to keep her lips pasted shut, otherwise she'd be screaming.

Seemingly satisfied at Chloe's mewling, submissive cringing – which was _totally_ an act just because ... Chloe was practicing her acting skills for the next school play wherein she would be able to kiss Adrien; yes, that was good -- Kagami withdrew, straightening her collar.

“You may refer to me as sword bisexual,” she affirmed with a nod, turning to rejoin the pair who were waiting for her.

Seated at the table, Adrien was, once _again_ once again, reviewing the menu, humming happily.

“Oh, the salmon looks nice,” he offered, though the other girl at the table didn't seem to hear him. Fists clutched into the tablecloth before her, Marinette had collapsed back into her seat. Her mouth was drooped open, releasing rapid pants of breath that had her chest heaving and whole body shuddering as she watched Kagami saunter back to the table.

“I am _so_ hot for you right now,” she nearly moaned when Kagami sat down.

Looking up from his menu with a gentle smile, Adrien called over a waiter with a raised hand. On arrival (because hell if he was going to ignore a request from the demon girl's ... boyfriend?), said waiter was slightly distracted by the two girls at the table who were very clearly undressing each other with their eyes.

“My good friend is feeling a little hot,” Adrien offered with a sad nod. “Could you get her a tall glass of ice water?”

Amid the chaos of the restaurant with its fleeing patrons and the keening cries of a blonde heiress coming from the bathroom, the waiter just looked at him funny as Marinette and Kagami turned to him and face-palmed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because Kagami really is our favourite sword bisexual. 
> 
> Have you seen how she looks at Adrien? No way she's *only* into women.


	3. Tom Dupain Learns How To Bake A Cake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tom Dupain is very much his daughter's father. Seeing that his little girl has finally confessed her feelings for Adrien, he has only one choice. It's time to bake a wedding cake. Wait, what's that strange daemonic girl doing on their date? Better question: what does she intend to do with that bread knife?

As evidenced by his choice of profession, Tom Dupain adored baking, and, more than that, baking in his own family-run boulangerie patisserie. It offered him a wholesome feeling of connection that he had never imagined that he'd possess, coming from the torn and broken sham of a home that he'd lived in as a child, his mother desperate to escape and his father sour and stiff-necked.

The fact that Rolland Dupain had complained vociferously about Tom's desire to ... sully perfectly good white bread by using ... _rice flour_... had also not positively inclined him towards his old family when he decided to make a new one with Sabine Cheng.

"Rice flour" indeed.

Racist son-of-a...

Right at this moment, as he lugged a tray of steaming pastries from the oven to restock the front of house, pausing to nuzzle his adoring wife's cheek with his own, he was reminded why he loved his job – his calling – so much. Customers bustled about the business, waiting in line to be served from one of the city's best patisseries (the best, but Tom didn't think that because he was humble like his daughter). The thick, buttery melange of odours from all those pastries and a dozen kinds of bread hung in the air, savoury dinner breads smelling of onion and dill, mingling with the sweet cinnamon of raisin bread.

He loved hustling about his shop, feeling the heat of the ovens against his thick arms and face, seeing smiling faces as people bit into his tartes or breads, savouring, as he was now, the scents of all his creations, made with love (just like the little bun in the oven that, sixteen years ago, that had substituted 'rice flour' for white, _dad_!). His wife, being beautiful, caring, warm, talented, amazing, wonderful, friendly, welcoming (he could and would go on if you let him, _dad_! And especially if you wouldn't.)... tended to the front of house and handled customers.

And that little bun that had been baked _perfectly_ was now out in the world, making a name for herself by impressing fashion moguls and rock stars, while also whipping up a mean macaron of her own, particularly passion fruit ones that, it seemed, she had finally found the courage to offer to that young boy she'd had a crush on for so long. While most fathers would likely be somewhat suspicious and rake the boy over the coals of Tom's wood-burning ovens, Monsieur Dupain was not his father, and never wanted to be.

His daughter was going to marry the most wonderful boy in the world – exactly who she wanted to marry. A boy who deserved her. A boy who would support her. A boy who loved her as she was worthy of being loved.

That was the reason that, after he unloaded his tray, he smiled so broadly at the trio of teens sitting off in the corner of the bakery: Marinette, Adrien, and, their friend ... Kagami, was it?

His daughter was actually... carrying on a conversation with the boy, who was smiling at her and then the other, relatively stoic girl. A burst of laughter bubbled up between the blonde and his lightly-blushing daughter, and Tom had to suppress a gleeful school-girl giggle and squeal when Marinette took the initiative and grabbed the boy by the other hand.

Suddenly, above the bustle of the bakery, all Tom Dupain could hear were wedding bells, even as Marinette smiled indulgently at Kagami when the other girl pressed into the pair's space, stealing one of the beautifully perfect passion fruit macaron that sat on the table between his daughter and the boy she'd prepared them for and had been chasing after all these months.

Tom frowned and then smiled again. No matter.

Wedding bells. _That_ was the only thing that mattered.

Also... the wedding cake. All else paled in comparison to the perfect wedding cake.

Research was required.

So, under the pretense of serving his daughter and her friends some more treats, he gathered up a few random pastries from the display case and meandered over to the table. If one or two items burned in the ovens, it was no matter. There were more important things in life than his baking – specifically the most precious little bun in the world.

"Hello, kids," he said with a wide grin and a flourish of his tray, which he held out for them to inspect on his arrival.

Even in his joy, it was not as if he could ignore the strangely concerned pinching around Marinette's eyes as she glanced towards the other girl at their table, who was stiffening up awkwardly, though he couldn't quite understand what she was worried about. Strange.

"Just checking in to see if there's anything specific I can get you," he said with a smile, baiting the trap.

"No, papa," Marinette replied with a too-cheery smile. "Kagami, Adrien, and I are all fine."

This was his chance, the Kairos moment, as it were – if he was using that term correctly. He had raised his daughter so well that she was setting him up without even knowing it.

"Are you sure? No favourite treats or specific flavors that I can get you? It's no trouble," he pressed slightly, leaning in towards Adrien and Kagami, who had both shifted closer together as if trying to distance themselves from his daughter as he towered over them.

"I enjoy mint-flavor," Kagami ground out, catching his eye with a defiant glare that Tom couldn't quite understand or explain. Had he done something to offend?

"Well, I do like passion fruit flavour, but Marinette was such a good and considerate friend that she already has that covered, sir," Adrien offered with a wide, innocent smile, waving his hand over the half-eaten plate of passion fruit macaron on the table.

Excellent. Exactly the kind of thing that he needed to know. Still...

While Adrien scarfted down another macaron and moaned deep in his throat in such a way as to have his daughter ... drooling slightly as her mouth sagged open (and that was really not something that Tom wanted to see or think about in any way so he chose to ignore it), Tom was forced to admit that it didn't seem as if the boy had any idea what was going on here.

Or how he was affecting Tom's daughter who was staring at him with more heat than all of the bakery's ovens put together.

Good boy, but, in the parlance of the young people, a bit of a "himbo," was it?

Still, his daughter had enough brains to carry the relationship... when said brains were not leaking out of her ears as they appeared to be at this very moment.

Between that and the ... thirsty look on her face, Tom recognized that it was time to depart as rapidly as he could. He had at least part of what he needed.

Any wedding cake was a tall order, and this had to be his most spectacular creation yet, he reflected as he trundled off to the kitchen and checked on his baked goods. Best to get the planning done tonight so that he could actually tackle the practice run tomorrow, closing the bakery for a 'religious observance' because his daughter was a wonderful little angel, worthy of celebrating by way of a sample wedding cake.

The flavors had to be just right for her.

Thus it was that, after he had tucked his little Mare-bear in to bed, kissing her on the forehead and then telling her that he was so proud that she had found it within herself to confess her feelings to Adrien (she had only blushed in response and covered her head with her comforter), he had brewed a pot of coffee and set to work.

Staying up well past their regular early bedtime, as they rose long before the sun to prepare for the day in the shop, Sabine tried to convince him several times to get to bed, insisting that he was making far too many assumptions about Marinette's relationship. He had never even confirmed that she had confessed.

There was no stopping him, though, once he put his mind to something.

He had a mission, and only about... four years to prepare the perfect wedding cake. That meant fewer than – he did some quick math in his head, accounting for vacation and sick days – just under 1000 trial runs for the wedding cake.

If only he had begun to prepare earlier. What a fool! Work should have begun the day that she was born.

Over the next several hours as he, much like his daughter, became enthralled by his work, the wonder of a project that had all of his creative energies bursting from his body, he downed a half dozen cups of overly-sweetened coffee, getting completely lost in his own mind and the schematics and recipes he was developing.

It would be the most magnificent of his creations, only fit for his daughter. Still, she was so shy. Perhaps he'd have to propose for her, or give her a little push by tugging out the plans for the passion fruit layer of the wedding cake and asking the oblivious himbo what he thought. Maybe that would help. Of course, it wasn't as if his daughter could get married _now_ , but there was no reason she couldn't be _affianced_.

So consumed was he by his planning and preparation that the growled throat-clearing behind him, something akin to the snarl of a werewolf, didn't even register until it was repeated.

Twice.

It was then that he spun from his work, displayed on the white board, much smaller than him, to which he'd been attached for – he saw the clock as he turned – seven hours.

There, standing with her legs set apart and a deep scowl on her face that was somewhat akin to the fanged snarl of a saltwater crocodile, was Kagami. Her right hand squeezed the handle of a bread knife to the point that it looked like the plastic was about to shatter, and she twisted the rounded tip into the pad of her left index finger. 

"How did you get in here?" he asked, legitimately bewildered as he took a step back, pressing up to the white board, under the heated glare that she threw in his direction.

He really must have offended her in some way when they spoke earlier.

"I am friends with Chat Noir," she replied as if that was entirely normal, advancing on Tom in a fashion that reminded him of a serial killer from a horror movie. "He dropped me off on your roof and I made my way down."

The flesh under her eyes seemed almost bruised and her body swelled up in his vision to the point that it felt that she was was the one who had a hundred and fifty pounds on him. Only his natural geniality and his sincere and total faith in his daughter's ability to make wise choices regarding the people with whom she associated allowed him to stand his ground. Kagami couldn't be all that bad.

Thinking of his daughter...

"How did you avoid waking Marinette if you went through her room?" He scratched at his chin. Yes. _That_ was the question he should be asking at this juncture...

A subtly sardonic look crossed Kagami's face, her eyes rolling as she folded her arms.

"I could have dropped an anvil on top of her and then pushed her out of bed and she wouldn't have woken up."

Oh. Right. They were talking about a sleeping _Marinette_...

"Well, then, miss Tsurugi." He cleared his throat while stuffing his hands into his apron to prevent her from seeing them shaking. "What can I do for you?"

"You need to stop," she replied simply, as she did the same, halting in her tracks and allowing her body to deflate to the point that it seemed that she only had fifty pounds on him.

"What?"

"I have heard about you from Chat Noir, Monsieur Dupain, and how you are very nearly obsessed with your daughter's love life and the idea of her getting married."

"It's the most wonderful thing in the world!" Tom insisted, the picture perfect image of him walking his daughter down the aisle, wearing a stylish, white Marinette-original wedding dress (his daughter; not him; although if that's what she wanted him to wear, he'd do whatever it took to make his little girl's special day everything that she wanted it to be). "Why wouldn't I want my daughter to be happy?"

"Marinette does _not_ have to get married to anyone if she doesn't want to, and you have no right to pressure her to... to do things that she doesn't want to do."

Well, that motivation was certainly something that Tom could approve. Marinette was lucky to have such protective people in her life.

"Marinette has always dreamed of getting married. She had pretend weddings to her stuffed animals until she was thirteen, and, to be honest, I think that she still does. She's just better at hiding it."

The daemonic glare that Kagami had been levelling at him since she first appeared in his home faltered, replaced by a worried and uncertain glance up towards his daughter's room as the girl's body deflated even further.

Under normal circumstances, Tom would have striven to intervene and offered the girl some comfort, but he wasn't exactly in a position to do so with a potential teen serial killer in his home. She just looked so broken and ... afraid in that moment, though. It shattered his father's heart.

Recovering from her quick bout of uncertainty, Kagami straightened, rising to her full height of around five feet, which somehow appeared to be about _ten_.

"You are her father, and I am trying to be nice because she clearly loves you, but I know how an overbearing parent behaves." Each word that she spoke seemed to stoke her inner fire, Kagami's face contorting and blackening with rage as she began to spit her accusation. "You try to micro-manage every aspect of her life, demanding everything and giving nothing because your daughter has to live out every step of the life that you've laid out for her!"

"I don't-

"I won't let you do that to her!" Kagami broke in, not even allowing him to get in a single real word in his own defence as she jabbed a finger in his direction. "Marinette is too precious a person, and too loving, to have you force her into a little hetero-normative box! If you truly loved your daughter, and wished her to be happy, you would allow her to be herself!"

Tom stepped aside to reveal the most magnificent of his creations, or, at least, the plans for it, drawn up on the white board that had been hidden by his massive bulk.

It was a towering, five layer wedding cake, its design intricate and ornate with a blending of green, red, and pink frostings that somehow, miraculously, complimented each other rather than clashing. Detailed instructions on weight distribution over the layers, flavor combinations for the varied forms of icing and sponge cake mixtures covered the board and spilled out onto the pages of his nearby workbook.

And, at the summit, a cake topper: a bride flanked by another bride and a groom.

"Oh," Kagami muttered, cowed, strumming her fingers together, the bread knife having already clattered to the floor.

"It uses three kinds of flour!" Puffed up with pride, his voice bubbly with laughter and joy that even exhaustion wasn't able to conceal, Tom couldn't help but clap his hands together in joy over his creation, nodding enthusiastically as he gestured at the various layers. "Including rice flour!"

"Well..." Blushing as red as her fencing outfit, Kagami smacked her lips as she turned to leave, and Tom noted that she appeared to be heading to Marinette's room to depart in the same fashion that she arrived. Silly girl. "Carry on then, Monsieur Dupain."

"Please," Tom added with a smile, stepping forward to pat the small girl's shoulder to hold her back, at least for just a moment, "call me dad."

With small tremors rocking her lip and jaw and blinking away the beginnings of the tears that glistened in the corners of her eyes in a way that made Tom, who was normally the most gentle man in the world, want to hurt some bad parents very, very severely, the deamon child suddenly looked exactly like the little girl she actually was, a hundred and fifty pounds lighter than him and two feet shorter.

Kagami smiled.

Smiled in a fashion that was no way like a hyena or a shark or a piranha or a barracuda.

Smiled like a toddler, all dirt-smudged face and skinned knee and chubby limbs, reaching out to be picked up and told that her daddy loved her and was proud of her and that was enough to make the scrape seem not-so-bad and set everything right in the world.

"Dad?" she whispered almost reverently, the tears actually starting up.

Tom nodded, smile unwavering.

Sinewy and powerful little arms curled around his shoulders and very nearly squeezed his head off his neck.

Tom didn't mind one bit.

And from that day forward, Kagami Tsurugi called Tom Dupain 'Dad.'

Well, at least until the day that Kagami Agreste-Dupain did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I come not to bury Tom Dupain, but to praise him.


	4. Tomoe Tsurugi Learns What Happened To Her On Saturday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tomoe requires the assistance of a particularly bright (and also somehow dim) sunshine child in order to piece together some rather important information.

Tomoe Tsurugi had vowed from the very moment that she learnt that her sight had been lost never to let her exceptionality define her, and tireless effort had been invested in honing her other senses and training to adapt to the limitations imposed on her by sightlessness. Everything had to be controlled and organized meticulously.

It was a limitation still, of course, whatever technological supports, such as her automated car, she employed.

As it was at this moment while she rose, groggily, to consciousness.

The first thing that struck her was the piercing, regular beep that reverberated inside her aching head, exacerbating the throbbing headache. She was laying out on plasticy soft pallet or mattress that crinkled when she moved her hand over it and squeezed, appalled to find that she was almost too weak to shift her arm.

There was a cool, metallic and antiseptic odour in the air, but underneath it the distinct scents of old sweat and _sick_.

Pin-pricks of pain lanced the crux of her elbow, and something fine and thin shifted inside her skin at the motion of her arm, which led to her cease trying to move immediately.

Only then, when she croaked out a plea for help, as pathetic and repugnant as it was necessary, did she realize that her mouth was painfully dry, tongue caught up and dragging along her lips so that her words came out utterly incoherent.

"I see that you're awake," came a level, disinterested male voice from the darkness, as something metallic was dragged along the floor.

"Hges," she hissed, trying to rise to regain even the appearance of decorum and control.

"Easy, Madame Tsurugi. You've been in bed for several days, and aren't ready to be moving about just yet."

A hand was to her shoulder.

"I'm going to give you something to drink, alright?"

The feather light rim of a paper cup pressed to her lips, water lapping up over the edge to soothe what she now realized were dry and cracked lips, and as the man tilted his hand, she drank greedily, the water only now allowing her to realize just how thirsty she was.

"Nice and slow. We don't want you choking or vomiting. You've been on intravenous fluids for a while."

As he removed the cup, glass rattled against metal, worsening her headache and causing her to grit her teeth so as to not to give away her pain. Water sloshed. The paper cup was to her lips again and she drank, heeding his advice this time, taking it in slow and easy.

"Wh-" she growled at the low, nearly whimpering tone. "What happened?"

"You were brought in with head trauma on Saturday afternoon, and, after some minor surgery, you've been in recovery ever since. It's Wednesday morning, just after 11:00. I'm nurse Moreau, and I'm one of the staff taking care of you."

"How?"

"I'm not privy to all the details, but they'll get sorted out. Right now, you just have to rest and recover."

Much as she hated herself for it, Tomoe felt the tug of sleep pulling her under, however weak it made her appear.

* * *

It took several more humiliating days for her to recover sufficiently for her to be allowed to depart the hospital, which provided her with a great deal of time to mull and reflect on her state, given the complete paucity of visitors.

Gabriel did send a lovely card, though, read to her by one of the nurses:

_To [Insert Name of Individual Here]_

_Gabriel Agreste is saddened to learn of your [insert ailment, loss, or injury here].*_

_Gabriel Agreste hopes that you are able to return to productivity quickly.**_

_Sincerely, Gabriel Agreste._

_* Please note that this expression of sympathy in no way constitutes an admission of guilt, culpability, responsibility, or any form of liability whatsoever for the current condition of you, your finances, holdings, family members, or anything else pertaining to your situation or its causes and/or consequences._

_** Unless noted otherwise in your contract or whatever other legal documents you have signed and had properly notarized, all of your business responsibilities or commitments to Gabriel or its subsidiaries and stock-holders are still in effect. You are not due any remuneration or compensation other than that afforded to you by written agreements previously signed._

Now _that_ was a get-well card that Tomoe could respect.

She spent hours straining her mind, turning all her intense focus inwards and blotting out the external world. Pressing into her memories to try to recall the events that led to her stay in the hospital was like grasping at fading mists, brushing the smoke about the confines of her mind, but never clearing it or hitting on anything solid.

Finally, it came time for her to depart, and after signing her discharge papers, she refused to accept the slightest bit of assistance to get to the door, using her cane and slightly unsteady legs to make it to the curb where she awaited the arrival of her automated car.

Several minutes later, as her legs began to tremble with fatigue and threaten to fail her, though she wouldn't give anyone the satisfaction of sitting down and showing weakness, a voice called out to her, airy and angelic.

“Hello, Madame Tsurugi!”

Her nostrils flared, taking in the distinct odour of _Adrien: The Fragrance_ behind the exhaust from nearby streets and the lingering scent of the hospital that clung to her clothes. Between that and the voice...

“Hello, Mr. Agreste,” she offered without a hint of emotion, keeping her blank stare directed out from the curb in order to show the boy that she was only half acknowledging him.

As her daughter's friend, he deserved nothing more than that; he would only let her down.

“Oh. I heard that you weren't feeling well, so I wanted to stop by and see you.”

“Well, you have seen me,” she offered, craning her neck and trying to parse out the sounds of the various vehicles in the area to pick out her own car, “and you may now depart.”

“Actually,” the boy replied with a contrite sigh, “Kagami wanted me to, well, not show you something, but let you listen to this video. Could I give it to you? I'd have to take your hand for a moment.”

Somewhat polite of him to ask, she supposed. Gabriel did _something_ right with him, even though the whole “keep your son locked in his room until he was fourteen and deny him even the least vestiges of human contact in order to better use him to help you fulfill your professional dreams while in part living vicariously though him” thing did disturb her.

Fathers were too soft. .

Actually, the polite deference was probably thanks to one of his mothers: Emilie or Nathalie.

“Very well,” she grunted as she reached a hand out in the direction of his voice.

A cool rectangle of plastic was placed into her palm, and suddenly, the sound of breathing and low excited chatter erupted from it.

For obvious reasons, she could not see the events that were depicted on the phone screen, but she could hear the exchange, her own voice coming across twisted and warped with the electric crackle of the recording and alien because, though it was still her voice, she couldn't recall having spoken the words.

Though they did seem like something that she would say.

"You've disgraced our family with such a... dalliance."

"Your opinion on the subject has been made clear. All that matters is that the terms are set. I will not return to Japan, correct?"

"Only if you win, and it was utterly foolish of you to wager your supposed freedom in this kind of contest. You've never defeated me. Even blind, I am your better. Your friends have left you weak."

"Mother, you are, indeed, _truly_ blind if you cannot appreciate Marinette and Adrien as they deserve."

“This pathetic .... _thing_ that you have between you is a juvenile distraction from your responsibilities to this family.”

“ _Thing_? I love them, and they love me – something that you could never understand!”

“People do not actually care for you, you silly _child_. Such emotional ties are a weakness, and letting 'friends' close to you merely provides them with the opportunity to betray you or disappoint you.”

“You know _nothing_ about them.”

“If so, it's only because they, like anyone else who is not part of our family, are _worth_ nothing.”

There was silence, and then a third voice that she did not recognize spoke out.

"Begin!"

Experience facing off against her daughter led Tomoe Tsurugi to expect a clash and clatter of blades as her past self deflected some hesitant blows, or perhaps some cool, derisive assessments of Kagami's telegraphed strikes.

Instead, there was a simple meaty * _thump_!* .

A smash and clatter followed, the microphone picking up some scraping.

And then the screaming started...

"Oh, _JESUS_!"

"Are those her _brains_?!"

"I want my _mommy_!"

“Oh- oh, God... I'm gonna be sick...."

"What the fu-” followed by retching.

Which was, in turn, followed, and accompanied, by yet more retching.

“Oh- oh... that's not right...”

"Someone call the police or- or – Ladybug or something!"

And her daughter spoke.

Spoke like a cool and disinterested accountant, rattling off quarterly earnings to a room full of businesspeople, long since put to sleep.

[ "If she dies... she dies." ](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EiTYwecY41c&t=1m52s)

The background noise from the video clip cut out with the distant wail of sirens.

"I see," Tomoe offered.

The model's gentle, smooth hand plucked the phone from her fingers.

“Your daughter is very down-to-earth. I mean, not many people in the world would be able to keep such a cool head when their mother was so badly hurt, but Kagami really knew what she was talking about. 'If she dies, she dies.' Spot on accurate assessment of the situation,” he enthused with a massive smile that, _somehow_ , Tomoe could see in her mind, even though she had no idea what he even looked like. “She's great, isn't she? Like she said, we love each other so much. We're such good friends!”

There was clearly something very, very wrong with this boy, and she had no desire to find out what it was.

But it seemed that she was honour-bound to allow her daughter to continue seeing him ... and her girlfriend.

At least she didn't have to rack her brains to figure out what happened to her over the weekend. Kagami had bested her effortlessly in a show of skill and cool detachment, dismissing her possible death as if it was utterly meaningless in an effort to secure her own desires.

A lone tear trailed out from behind her sunglasses as Adrien, judging from the footsteps, began to walk away without further comment.

Kagami really was her daughter.

_So this is what pride in someone else feels like. _

As it turned out, no, Madame Tsurugi was not actually capable of feeling that.

It was just particularly painful gas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so we enter the second half of this little series.


	5. Luka Learns How To Play the Guitar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the first time, Kagami finds herself on the verge of being bested by a certain blueberry-haired guitarist who might likewise have designs on her girlfriend... and her boyfriend.
> 
> After all, he may be crazier than her. 
> 
> It's time to deploy the most devastating weapon known to teenage boys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You merely adopted the crack, I was born it, molded by it. I didn't see serious fiction until I was already a man...

While Kagami Tsurugi had never expressed any ill-feelings towards Luka Couffaine, given that she only rarely encountered him and was familiar with him only by dint of his friendship with her boyfriend and girlfriend, she realized with some slight reluctance that she might have to _remove_ him.

Particularly now that she had received the ... somewhat reluctant approval of her mother to date the pair, she would abide no disruptions to her relationship. Given that Luka appeared to have designs on her girlfriend... and also possibly her boyfriend – not that she judged in that regard – something had to be done.

Granted, as a bisexual of the blade, she would admit that the latter was likely to involve a skilled crossing of swords that would be aesthetically pleasing and relevant to her interests, but a fencer's sword was to be guarded zealously.

So it was that, on this date to a local cafe, sparsely populated in the late afternoon for whatever reason, Kagami resigned herself to her fate as Luka walked in the door and interrupted her, her girlfriend, and her boyfriend... who might not know it.

[Ah, well. Such were the burdens of life. ](https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/001/636/537/9e5.gif)

Taking a seat with them, Luka plied the girl with innumerable compliments as he pulled up a chair and set his guitar to his knee, and, fortunately for him, Marinette's presence and warning glare held Kagami back from simply ripping the instrument from his hands and garroting him with his own guitar strings.

Eventually, however, the boy politely excused himself from their date in order to use the restroom, which would have made for a perfect opportunity but Kagami wasn't entirely comfortable with going into the boy's bathroom.

She had to set some limits.

“Now, Kagami,” Marinette sighed with an only semi-comforting pat to Kagami's hand. “He's just being nice, but he knows that he's just a friend, alright?”

“Oh, Luka is a really great friend,” Adrien added, playing with the edges of a menu even though they had already ordered before he chugged down the cool remnants of his mug of hot chocolate. “I'm so glad that you think so too.”

There were several minutes of pouted complaints and gentle prodding on Kagami's part through which she tried to coax Marinette to simply allow her to just maybe, possibly, _slightly_ maim him. Just a few broken fingers to get the point across, but Marinette reminded her that the boy wasn't trying to intrude and was, unlike Chloe, a lovely person who should be treated with respect because he was just a kind and caring friend.

Kagami crushed her empty mug in a fist, reducing it to dust, but relented.

She spoiled her girlfriend.

Eventually, the grinning guitarist returned, flicking a hand through his thick mop of multi-coloured hair, fingers tracing through the varied layers of blue and tugging at the exposed black roots as he approached the table, only for Kagami to rise to meet him.

It was necessary that she “use her words” to try to explain the situation respectfully.

“Marinette has requested that I speak with you,” she began.

“Oh, _Marinette_.” Luka nearly swooned. “Her heart-song is the loveliest melody that my guitar has ever heard.”

“I-uh. Yes. I'm sure that it is quite ... lovely,” Kagami responded with a tentative fumble.

“It begins with a swelling crescendo, culminating in a violent cacophony of notes thrashing and arching in the air like the thunderbolts of Jove, elegant riffs themselves rifting the stoutest oak tree so that he can wrest from the wood a new instrument whose sole divine purpose is to serve as the medium for odes to the songstress who-”

Kagami, face scrunched up, looked to Marinette as if to say, _What the fuck is he on?_

Marinette shrugged.

 _No_ _one_ knew what Luke “Heartsong” Couffaine was on.

“-as if every arpeggio was the culmination of its own cadence, entering into a cadenza that speaks to her spirit emerging from the chrysalis of youth-"

Kagami turned, helpless, to Adrien. Perfectly aligned and gleaming white teeth shone in the warm light of the cafe, his smile resplendent and heart-stopping. It took everything that Kagami had to turn away from that cloying abyss of sunlight and pearl, a saccharine mental deathtrap that could reduce any straight, bi, or pan girl to a drooling brainless puddle.

For Marinette's sake, Kagami had to be strong.

The boy was simply nodding along as if the whole thing made complete sense to him.

It probably did.

“- the diminuendo leading to a piercing soft fermata which leaves you breathless before the tender ringing tone that lingers so soft and gentle that when the air ceases its crystalline oscillation, you still hear it as if it was always a part of your own mind and _soul_ that- ”

Nope.

“ _IthinkthatyoushoulddealwiththisoneAdrien_.” With a violent shove, Kagami lobbed Adrien into Luka's arms, the guitarist clutching the boy to his chest like a long-parted lover while Adrien squeezed back just as tightly, neither one faltering for a moment.

The slow and easy nods from the model never abated, his face rubbing against Luka's shirt.

Time to cut her losses.

Backing away slowly, Kagami cracked, grimacing, when Adrien interjected into Luka's spiel, spouting off about something called a 'giocoso,' reverent tones muffled by the older boy's shirt, while the fencer attempted to bustle her girlfriend out of the room as quickly as possible.

Turning ghastly white, with sickly green-yellow highlights arching along her clenching throat, Marinette simply refused to move, try as desperately as Kagami might to effect their escape.

“It- it's like they're aliens _pretending_ to be human,” she offered in a terrified whisper. “Badly.”

Marinette and Kagami had both failed to realize the degree to which Luka, or, rather, Luka's guitar which did all of his thinking for him, was simply a fucking melodramatic dork.

Luka's hold on the model tightened even further, his eyes fluttering shut as he continued to ramble on about Marinette's heart-song, painted fingernails tracing Adrien's throat and shoulders as they began to harmonize their tune and praise the now blushing baker, the only sour note between them Adrien's assertion “she's such a good friend.”

There were few things that could truly deter a committed Kagami, though. Luka's eyes were half-closed and partially rolled up into his skull, probably completely lost in his own mind. When it looked like he was just about on the verge of making out with her boyfriend while both of them thought – and rambled – about her girlfriend, she found the reserves of courage, resolve, and outrage necessary to act.

Luka came up completely short when Kagami beat him to the punch... and the girl, courteously and reservedly sticking her tongue down Marinette's throat to the sound of her girlfriend... and the guitarist's strangled gasp.

Fortunately for what Kagami presumed to be Adrien's thoroughly innocent eyes, Luka was only clutching him more tightly. His face was thus firmly planted in the older boy's chest, obscuring his vision, at least until a reinvigorated Kagami ripped him away from Luka in a show of truly amazonian strength and caught him up in a ... friendly three-way hug.

Later that evening, Luka found himself standing alongside his sister on the deck of _The_ _Liberty_ , his heart and soul feeling anything but free as they leaned over the railing and stared into the dark, swirling waters that lapped and frothed at the edge of their boat and was, he noted like a fucking melodramatic dork, the perfect metaphor for the state of his soul.

"You don't get it, Joules. It's _over_. I've experienced perfection and now every notes comes across sour. It's like for one blissful moment, I heard the music of the Aonian mount and then was struck deaf and mute for my hubris."

Dovetailing into another point of view for a moment as his sister rolled her eyes: Juleka couldn't help but think that her brother was the most 'extra' person she had ever met, and that was saying something. Like, really, get over yourself, bro. _Musicians_. Sigh. Between eccentric Anarka, “heartsong” Luka, and the *ahem* acid-etched Jagged Stone (no one was under any illusions regarding the kind of sweet music he had been making with their mom about eighteen years ago) their family was nuts.

Maybe she was adopted.

"Does it have to be like that?,” she asked. “I mean, couldn't you use that as inspiration?"

"I- I don't know," Luka muttered as he relented and tossed his guitar onto the nearby seat on the deck before delving within himself. He had been so caught up in the memory of that perfect heart-song, the commingling of Marinette's tempestuous masterpiece and the other girl's violin concerto and the gentle piano strokes of Adrien's soft soul, that he had failed to contemplate any other.

And he smiled with tears in his eyes.

There it was, inside of him, as, he now knew, it had been from the moment he'd heard that trio of flute, violin, and piano swelling with perfect sweet counterpoints that sent the soul raging and fevered the mind – music to make the sanest man go mad.

And Luka “Heartsong” Couffaine was far from the sanest man in the world.

Or, at least, his guitar, which, again, did all the thinking for him, was not ... the sanest guitar in the world.

Obviously.

Luka ('s guitar) would go on to be the tortured genius who upset, and in turn defined, a generation of music. For decades, and, indeed, centuries later as his name was spoken alongside luminaries in twentieth and twenty-first century music like Abba, The Monkees, Jagged Stone, Justin Bieber, and Rick Astley, music historians and legions of swooning teenage girls alike would ask the same question.

What could possibly have inspired such soulful, questing music? That desperate desire to achieve something, to _create_ something, forever out of reach?

When asked that very question, many years after Luka had retired, an aged and far more confident, or, at least, crotchety Juleka, Rose's hand in her own, said that it was simple.

“He was just a fucking melodramatic dork who did all his thinking with his guitar.”

And to the inevitable follow-up question:

“No! That's _not_ a euphemism, you sick freak!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're pulling out the old 2000s memes...


	6. Lila Rossi Learns to Speak Japanese By Way of Anime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kagami is now an anime aficionado thanks to Adrien's influence.
> 
> She applies what she has learnt in a final showdown with Lila, her penultimate foe, and teaches her something in the process.

Lila Rossi understood human nature – the way people thought. In the end, _everyone_ would rather believe a comforting lie over an unpleasant truth; all you had to do to control them, make them think what you wanted or needed them to think, was to recognize their underlying needs and concoct a sufficiently potent and appealing deception that they would _choose_ to believe without you having to convince them of anything at all.

Then, manipulating them became eminently simple, just as it would be now as she began to carry out her plot to destroy Marinette Dupain-Cheng, twisting all the other girl's little friends around her pinky. She just had to find what each one of them needed.

It would be as easy as taking candy from a baby...

Wait...

 _Taking candy from a baby_.

Why hadn't she thought of doing that before?

Or better yet, give the little tyke a piece of candy when everyone was looking in order to make herself seem virtuous and loving, and then steal it back while distracting the throng of people with an appropriately constructed lie of some kind so that she watch him wail and whine and whimper without having the proper voice to tell anyone what had happened so that she could lord it over him and play the concerned and attentive young girl who just _loved_ children and puppies and rainbow unicorns more than _anything_ to the point that the adults around her might actually offer her a job as a babysitter so that she could torment the little guy even more.

 _Mmm_.

Such were Lila Rossi's thoughts as she strolled along a completely empty street, playing hooky because school administrators, police officers, truancy officials, and her mother were all completely incompetent and Paris seemed to only have, like, five-hundred people in it for some reason.

A contemplative frown crossed her face as she jaywalked across the street and back, just because she could and it added to the sum-total of evil in the universe.

Every little bit counted.

Thinking about it, though, giving a kid candy and then taking it away might not be evil _enough_. It would ensure the little baby would grow up knowing that no one ever did anything nice for you and that every gift that you were given was really just a means of manipulating you.

She couldn't go teaching babies to be smart and never trust anyone now, could she?

No. No, she couldn't.

Better to just take candy from a baby who already had it or give candy to a baby in order to deceive him about the true nature of the world, setting him up for more severe future pain when others' true duplicitous natures were revealed in some horrifying fashion, like when that baby was a middle-aged businessman who came home early from work to find his wife in bed with another man after which he'd murder them both and then spend the rest of his life in prison, which itself would be cut short when he was shanked in the showers due to a dispute over cigarettes because everyone betrayed you in the end...

Oh...

Oh, _yeah_.

That was the snuff, erh, _stuff_.

Lila played the long con.

So, this fine day, Lila Rossi decided to go to the grocery store to buy some candy.

On entering the establishment and perusing the isles, looking for some candy that she could shoplift, fully confident in her ability to lie about her terrible kleptomania or maybe something about alien hand syndrome, she was shocked and appalled to discover that she hadn't actually skipped school at all.

It must have been a vacation day for some reason.

For there, in the checkout line, were a trio of stuck-up goody-little-two-shoes who wouldn't be caught dead doing something as cool and rebellious as playing hooky: Adrien Agreste, Marinette Dupain-Cheng, and Kagami Tsurugi who were now heading in her direction.

Video footage of the Tsurugis' little spat was making the rounds ... as was that rumour that if you put three lit candles in front of your bathroom mirror and recited “Kagami Tsurugi” ten times, she would appear and cleave your head from your body with a Bokken.

Even though that was just an urban legend, which was kind of like a lie – and she knew these things because you didn't get the nickname 'Lie-la” for nothing – she didn't exactly want to get on Kagami's bad side until she found the way to best destroy her and everything that Marinette loved.

So on seeing the trio, she pivoted on her heel and ducked out the automatic exit door, but it was too late.

Brown eyes fell on her and chased her outside.

With trembling limbs, heart jackrabbiting in her chest and throat, Lila cast her gaze about the parking lot in search of a hiding spot before making a bee-line for a convenient partition between the grocery store and the row of shops next to it. While the area was mostly empty, and somewhat filthy with discarded fast-food wrappers and cups, dried leaves, and a smattering of torn papers and cardboard boxes, there were several concrete blocks at the far end, placed there to keep out adventurous drivers looking for a shortcut. Racing to the end of the alley and tucking into a crouch, she knelt behind one of them to observe as the three teens left the store.

As they did, a tense, watchful Kagami trailed a few feet behind her boyfriend and girlfriend who had their hands locked together

Unfortunately for Lila, it seemed like Karma was catching up to her.

Adrien, dopey overgrown child that he was, began to bounce, swinging his and Marinette's connected hands in wide arcs as he gestured down the alley and said something about a rumour that Andre was going to set up his ice cream stand a few streets down, so why not take a shortcut through the alley?

That seemed to draw Kagami out of her predatory stoop. Both girls snuggled up to Adrien's sides and cooed over just how adorable he was for a moment, though there were some eye-rolls over his assertion, “I would love to share some ice cream with such wonderful friends,” as they indulged him, allowing him to tug them both down the alley.

Even as she tried to duck down further and hide, Lila knew from the barest hint of a convulsive sneer that crossed Marinette's face and the narrowing of Kagami's eyes that she had been spotted, and was now pinned. She couldn't make a break for it, as fleeing from a predator was a sure way to rouse its hunting instincts and have it fall upon you.

Months spent mostly in-doors left her without any hope that she might be able to outrun Tsurugi.

And, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex, Kagami might see based on movement.

Tense seconds passed, the echoing footsteps of the deamonic creature and her paramours pressing ever closer as sweat beaded up around Lila's forehead and she had to clap a hand to her mouth to keep from whimpering and giving away her terror.

Futile, as Kagami could probably _smell_ it...

Her only faint hope was to stay Perfectly. Stock. Stone. Still.

Yet she could not hold back the trembling shudders of dread that raced up and down her spine, feeling like a little girl, tucked into bed with the covers pulled up over her head. She was just like that child, knowing, now that the lights were out and her parents had gone, that the great and terrible _something_ beyond any conceivable, tangible horror, was lurking just outside of sight in the darkness, ready to fall upon her if she even blinked.

Yet nothing came for her.

Instead, she watched as Adrien tugged Marinette along, racing by the concrete block behind which Lila trembled and skipping off to look for Andre's cart for “friendship” ice cream.

And then, achingly slow, Lila pivoted her neck upwards, scraping against the rough concrete behind her head.

“Hello, Lila,” Kagami said down to her.

And, yes, she sounded exactly like that memory that you have of Hannibal Lector saying 'Hello Clarice' in _The Silence of the Lambs_ even though that's just the Mandela Effect.

“H-hello, Kagami,” Lila said, rising slowly while warding off the daemon with open palms.

“I understand that you once attempted to have my princess expelled from school,” Kagami hummed, hands twitching. “And began to sexually harass my kitten as part of some Faustian bargain to leave Marinette alone. I've been meaning to... _speak_ to you about all of that.”

She could only try to back away slowly, acting on instinct because surely that was futile as well.

But Lila always had one keenly honed weapon in her pocket: lying.

Kagami was restrained by her mother in a fashion similar to Adrien.

She could use that.

“I- I'm so sorry. I didn't know that I was – was hurting Adrien or – or that it was-” she winced as if the very idea was painful to her even though it actually got her kind of hot, “ _Sexual harassment._ That's the last thing that I wanted to do. I just didn't know how else to express my feelings because my mother – she – she always isolated me from other children, and she had such high expectations for me. I- I was never enough for her, and she took out the fact that dad left on me, pushing me even harder,” she said, tone pleading.

It was all about the carefully-tailored lies that people wanted to believe.

“I see,” Kagami sighed, though her tone remained completely stoic, shoulders relaxing slightly as she stroked her lower lip contemplatively. “You truly have had a tragic upbringing, then, and though I cannot countenance your behaviours, I understand the socially-stunting effects of an isolated upbringing and the necessity of acting out on occasion to assert your independence from your mother.”

“Oh. _Thank_ _you_ ,” Lila breathed, hand to her heart. She was good. Why had she ever thought that there was something to worry about? These socially-stunted stuck up rich kids couldn't find their butts with both hands. “I should have known that you and Adrien could understand the _real_ me. I – I know that I'm a liar, and that I hurt you all, but – but it's just a way for me to try to protect myself. To keep other people away so they can't hurt me too.”

Kagami turned and leaned into her personal space, the light flutter of her eyes nearly making it appear as if she was blinking away tears, and for a moment Lila feared that the other girl might actually _hug_ her in some awkward and gay attempt to offer her comfort. Sickening, but damn was she _ever_ good if she had the dolt fooled this hard.

 _Oh_ , she could get the girl to fall in love with her and then lead her on with more shared sob-stories over their single mothers' irrational and overbearing expectations and then have her help seduce Adrien so that Marinette would be completely alone and barred from the fashion industry by her former boyfriend so that Lila could live large off the accumulated fortunes of both the Agreste and Tsurugi estates only to drive a jealous wedge between the two heirs leading them to develop a drinking problem and proscription pill addiction respectively that would eventually culminate in their “accidental” deaths, crushing their dreams of becoming Olympic athletes or whatever and leaving her with their combined wealth while Marinette became a garbage woman after her parents' bakery was closed down by a surprise, rigged health inspection financed by her former lovers...

_Oh, yeah._

Lila clenched her thighs together.

“I- I just don't know how to express the way that I _really_ feel. If only there was someone who had gone through the same thing – someone who could teach me to really ... be who I am,” she veritably whimpered, pinching her eyes shut, lips wavering in what she hoped was a tempting fashion as if she was about to start sobbing.

Then, just as Kagami reached out to embrace her, and Lila opened herself up wide in invitation, a series of painlessly soft finger-strikes lanced into her stomach and heart, Kagami's features remaining stony and detached.

"Omae wa mou shindeiru.”

“Nani?”

_Wait. Since when do I speak Japanese?_

A tidal wave of _wrongness_ racing through the flesh in Lila's gut had her trembling, frozen, while Kagami turned her back to her, striding away perfectly composed. As Lila doubled over at the crescendo of flutters in her guts, hunched down into the dirt of the alley, she just managed to croak out, “Why didn't my acting work?”

“The word 'liar' was written on your face.”

Then, Lila realized something.

Kagami _had_ nearly been crying.

Crying tears of joy.

It was at that exact moment that Lila Rossi exploded into a gout of blood and gory chunks that really couldn't be appropriately described in a work that wished to maintain its T rating.

Many years later, Kagami Agreste-Dupain checked her mailbox one morning to find a neat little black envelop that smelled vaguely of ... rotten eggs? On tearing open the thin paper, she tugged out a short invitation written in a curving, intricate hand using what she thought was a form of strangely thick red ink on ... vellum? The message was a relatively short expression of 'sincere' gratitude, concluding with a request that she RSVP with the names of her 'plus two.'

With a little smile, she crumpled up the invitation and tossed it into the trash, watching the entire thing burst into tall orange flames. The wails of a thousand tortured souls split the air, ringing out even as the ground opened up and swallowed her bin.

No. She was _not_ going to be going to the supposed wedding between “Madame Lila Rossi” and “Mr. Lucifer T. Devil,” a “match made in hell.”

She might have softened a smidge over the years, but she could still tell when Lila Rossi was lying.

Surely the Prince of Darkness had better taste than that.

“Hey, Kagami!” her husband called while her wife groaned at his enthusiasm. “Do you want to watch the new _Fist of the Northstar_ series?”

She paused, then smiled.

Smiled like a multiple Olympic gold medallist and a happy and fulfilled woman who had five wonderful children – two from her own womb – a world-renowned actor cat-husband (Captain America in the new _Avengers_ reboot featuring a body that was pure Agreste, no Super Soldier Serum required), a brilliantly badass fashion mogul wife, and _real_ parents.

“Yes, Adrien. I would _love_ to watch the new _Fist of the Northstar_ series with you,” she said as she turned back into her home and lit some incense to cover over the lingering odour of brimstone.

The best revenge was a life well-lived... after you turned Lila Rossi into a gout of blood and gory little chunks.

* * *

**Alternate Ending**

The exact moment that Lila Rossi exploded into a gout of blood and gory chunks that really couldn't be appropriately described in a work that wished to maintain its T rating, Kagami stopped short and trembled slightly, feeling ... _true_ fear for the first time in her life.

Tension, staticy and pervasive like the sensation that came before a rolling thunderstorm, suffused the atmosphere. Minute perturbations in the air had the hair on her arms standing on end, the growing electric tingle piercing down to her heart. A clash and clamour sounded out; though there was no determinable source, it seemed to flood her mind like a rolling tide.

And then, as she cast her gaze upwards, she saw _it_.

The sound rolled on in a cacophonous, billowing clatter, rending the sky for just one moment, and as the air itself tore open, she could hear it, the sound coalescing into something solid and comprehensible before it was silenced and all returned to normal.

It was like... a million voices crying out in joy to the thunder of applause.

There may have been a few ecstatic shouts of “ _Bravo_!” and “ _Encore_!” tossed in her direction.

She lived in a very weird world...

Several roses dropped at her feet, being thrown from ... nowhere.

A very weird world indeed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realized halfway through writing Lila's introductory thoughts that I had effectively created an anti-Marinette in the form of her wild run-on visions of the future calamities for which she would be responsible and decided to run with it.
> 
> Now, only a short epilogue remains. 
> 
> For Adrien's obliviousness, the greatest foe, has not yet been overcome by contemporary Kagami.
> 
> No Alya, chapter, I'm afraid. There simply weren't enough ideas that didn't dovetail into salt, which I've had more than my fill of with Alya, or just ... Kagami and Alya butting heads and eventually agreeing that the reporter can have Marinette every second weekend, but “Nothing beyond level five of Super Penguino!”
> 
> Alya: Deal. 
> 
> Marinette: What?


	7. Kagami Tsurugi Learns the True Depths of Adrien's Obliviousness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the concluding chapter, Kagami gets to eat both the ice cream and the cone.
> 
> That is all.

Marinette Dupain-Cheng lay in a _mostly_ unconscious sweaty heap atop Adrien Agreste's massive double king-sized bed. On Kagami's instruction, a doleful Adrien had asked his nursemaid, Nathalie Sancour, to purchase it for him under the pretense that it would help him to get a better sleep and thus be a more effective and “radiant, carefree, and dreamy” model for his father's company.

Also, all the better to accommodate three people, my dear.

Today, it was finally serving its actual intended purpose.

Marinette's blackish-blue hair was a dishevelled mess, one pigtail torn out so that she looked lopsided even as she buried her face in a pillow and let out a low groan of satisfaction.

She was, however, disrupted slightly, tremors racing through the mattress, when Kagami chucked Adrien like a sack of potatoes onto the bed next to their girlfriend and then stood before him after having made clear her demonstrable superiority in the only video game in which she could actually defeat Marinette Dupain-Cheng: _Super Penguino_.

Adrien had just watched, chin in his palms, seemingly slightly puzzled, and muttered, “That's an odd way to express friendship.”

Now, it seemed that it was his turn to experience this ... odd form of friendship.

"What are we going to do on the bed, Kagami-chan?" Adrien inquired, wide-eyed, with his head cocked to the side as he splayed out on the bed in such a way as to highlight the smooth definition of his chest and rippling abs, pectorals bunching as his rapid breath inflated his lungs.

Rearing back, Kagami squinted at him in disbelief, taking in his dumbfounded expression.

Something was clearly wrong, though, and Kagami stared harder, her gaze piercing and harsh, sensing that there was a little crack in the normal Adrien Agreste obliviousness.

The slight quiver of his lips.

A downward slanting of his eyes towards the pale, sweaty expanse of Marinette's naked back.

The way he was _flexing_.

"Adrien?" she said without any emotion, settling on the bed next to him, then planting her hands on either side of his head to gaze into his face.

Gaze like a bird of prey, eyes focused on the innocent little woodland creature she was about to devour.

A little twitch of his eyes down towards her chest set his eyebrow fluttering.

"Adrien Athanasius Aloysius Augustine Agreste." Her voice was now a low rumble and it had that quiver of his lips turning into a _quirk_.

“That's my name; don't wear it out.”

The sheets next to his shoulders deformed and tore slightly as she fisted her hands, having moved away from the expanse beside his head to avoid crushing it by accident.

“Are you- Have you been fucking... _trolling_ me!?”

“Oh my God, yes!” he burst out with a grin while slapping both hands to his mouth, his next words coming out strained with repressed laughter, even as Kagami's face darkened by the second. “And it's been _amazing_!”

While the childish expression of glee remained undisturbed as he pulled his hands away, a delicate metamorphoses unfolded across his face, light contortions of the fine muscles in his jaw and cheek so subtle that the transformation itself appeared almost imperceptible until Kagami realized that, somehow, he was almost a completely different person without actually seeming to _change_. Rather, it was as if something that had always been there was made obvious by the slightest shift in perspective or the play of shadow and light across his fine, preternaturally gorgeous features.

He smiled.

Smiled as saturnine as Satan, eyes brimming with something indescribable.

“You did such great work with everyone else, handling the orange and toothpaste ice cream issue while I distracted Mari. I couldn't have dealt with Chloe better myself, so good work capitalizing on the moment when I gave our princess the idea to send you to the washroom, and it's great to know that you checked in on Dad after I told you about the 'marriage' thing and dropped you off.” His hand trailed the base of Kagami's throat, leading her to swallow convulsively, heart-rate rising to the point that she felt lightheaded.

“You're so intuitive sometimes, you know? You even picked up on how to handle Luka when I nearly made out with him, and, by the way, I'll do that if you want,” he assured while angling upwards to cup her stunned face and stroke his thumb underneath her eye. “Granted, I had to drive the point home with your mom, and you're _welcome_ for introducing you to _Fist of the Northstar_ , but none of us is perfect.”

Kagami's mouth drooped stupidly, caught in the paralyzing intensity of his predatory green eyes, cool and calculating yet at the same time somehow comforting in the way that they pinned her in place and had every part of her heating up because they were still _Adrien's_ eyes, after all.

Then, she grinned and laughed.

Grinned and laughed like a blasphemous, unholy, daemonic amalgam of every form of toothy, carnivorous, and vicious predator known to humankind.

“It's always the one you least suspect,” Adrien added with a shrug, hands to his side, giving her the innocent doe eyes of a perfect little golden angel.

His underwear was mere tatters in an instant and she responded, first by clawing her nails down his chest and then by speaking.

" _You,_ " she veritably moaned as she smashed him down and straddled his hips.

"What?" he gasped at her violent response.

"It's what I'm doing on the bed."

Adrien did not object to being the thing that was done on the bed.

Up until the point that she nearly shattered his pelvis while a drooling Marinette slept next to them... at least for a little while.

As it turned out, she really _could_ sleep through being pushed off the bed.

_Whoops._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to anyone who stuck out this insanity long enough to reach this point. Your comments, kudos, and just the fact that you've read through this little product of my madness are all very much appreciated.

**Author's Note:**

> Not sure if this "take" on their poly date has been presented in the fandom previously...
> 
> Just something with a little more of a "cracky" taste than my original vision in "A Delicate Balance of Flavours:" https://archiveofourown.org/works/21043319


End file.
